Reading Le Monde When You Don’t Understand French

So, I was reading Le Monde today, even though I don’t understand French and here’s what I learned: surprisingly little. French is really hard to read when you don’t know the language. Anyway, I did pick up a few things here and there, which I will attempt to share with you. PLEASE NOTE! This is my translation of a newspaper that was written in a language with which I have almost no familiarity, so I may get a few things wrong. But I also might get some things right? Who knows? Let’s see what happens!

1. The French President’s Getting Divorced! That’s what I assume this headline means: “Le divorce du couple Sarkozy ‘s'est très bien passé’, selon leur avocate commune.” Truth be told, I’d actually heard about this before in an American newspaper, where it was kindly reported in English. Nonetheless, let’s see if some more info can be gleaned from the French report. Ooh, it looks like it was a mutual separation—no hard feelings. At least that’s what I believe “séparation par consentement mutuel” means. Also, they’ve been married since 1996 (That’s what this means, right? “Cécilia et Nicolas Sarkozy étaient mariés depuis 1996”). Not a very long time, Mr. President! You couldn’t give it one last chance? Ah, there’s more: “Le chef de l'Etat est attendu jeudi à Lisbonne pour un sommet européen.” Now, for a minute I thought this meant that the "government chef" (?) was attending a European summit in Lisbon, but that sounded kind of retarded, so now I figure it refers to Sarkozy himself, who apparently not only ditched his lady but also shuttled off to the Iberian peninsula to get away from the whole thing. Alright, enough of le président. What else is going on in France?

2. Oooh, this article’s a little more complicated. Here’s the headline: “150 000 manifestants contre la réforme des régimes spéciaux de retraite, selon la police.” Now, the main thing I got from this is that in France they don’t divide their big numbers with commas; they just leave a space every three digits like they did here with "150 000." Interesting! Okay, let’s work this one out a bit. It sounds to me like there were 150,000 demonstrators protesting against the, uh, reform of special regimes of some sort and that they fought with police? I’ll bet that’s more or less right. (Any Frenchies reading this should correct me if I’m wrong about this stuff.) Alright, I think I figured it out. “Régimes spéciaux de retraite” actually refers to special (“spéciaux”) retirement packages that government employees get. It would seem that the protests are against Sarkozy’s attempt to reduce or eliminate these packages. Ah! Here’s some more interesting stuff! Check this out: “Le régime spécial de retraite des personnels de l'Opéra national de Paris a été créé en 1698 par Louis XIV. Celui des marins du commerce et de la pêche, en 1709. D'autres ont été mis en place au XIXe siècle : celui de la Banque de France (1806), de la Comédie-Française (1812), des fonctionnaires civils (1853), des chemins de fer (1855) ou des mines (1894).” Confusing, right? Well, I think I understand it. This little passage is basically listing the different government agencies whose employees get these sweet retirement packages. Interestingly, the years in parentheses indicate when the retirement packages were first instituted. And look how old they are! Paris Opera employees have been enjoying these benefits since 1698! You know what America was back then? That’s right, a waterlogged triangular fort in the tidewater filled with muddy houses and syphallitic British convicts, that’s what! Just goes to show you how long the French have been at it. Alright, what else is in this silly newspaper . . . ?

3. Hahahaha! This headline is great! “La chevauchée rock des French Cowboy.” Apparently, there’s some weird-ass Gallic band called French Cowboy, and they “chante en anglais un rock aride mâtiné à la sauce western spaghetti,” which I think means “sing rock songs in English with a side of western spaghetti sauce." Hahaha! If that's true, that's fucking hilarious. What else is in here . . . ?

4. Oooh, here’s some stuff about the United States. Always fun to see what they say about us in other countries. I bet they hate Bush. Maybe as much as I do! Let’s see. Here’s a fun one: “Nucléaire iranien : George Bush veut ‘éviter la troisième guerre mondiale.’” This looks like it’s about the potentiality of a nuclear war with Iran, so maybe it’s not so fun . . . but it’ll be fun to see what they say about Bush! Ah, Christ . . . this article is hard to understand! Here’s a quote I think I get. It’s from Bush: “Il reconnaît qu'il n'est pas dans l'intérêt du monde que l'Iran ait la capacité de construire une bombe nucléaire.” Hahaha! It’s funny to think of Bush speaking French. Um, it looks like he’s saying that it’s in the interest of the world (“dans l'intérêt du monde”) that Iran gives up its nuclear capacity (“que l'Iran ait la capacité de construire une bombe nucléaire”). Huh. Bush is as hard to understand in French as he is in English. Interesting.

Well, that’s all I have for now. Looks like there’s a lot of shit going down in France right now, though! This was fun! Also, because I was reading Le Monde in a public place (Doma Cafe on Perry & Seventh Ave), lots of people saw me with a French newspaper and probably thought I was smart and cosmopolitan. I’ll leave you with this final headline: “Au Mexique, arrestation d’un ‘poete cannibale.’” That, my friends, means that a cannibal poet was arrested in Mexico today. And on that note . . .